After the Fall
by icaughtfire31
Summary: Set during Mass Effect 3; Kaidan confesses his love for Shepard, but she can't just forgive and forget. Shepard sparks up a friendship with a certain Lieutenant. Shenko/Shakarian. Rated M for possible future content, contains many Mass Effect spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

Kaidan chewed his bottom lip nervously as he looked out over the Presidium. The waiter came over and handed him a menu. He checked his watch. '_Relax_,' he told himself, '_she'll be here. You're early, and she's never on time_.' He flipped through the menu without really looking at it, sipped his water, and checked his watch again. Shepard wouldn't stand him up. Would she? The waiter brought him a beer he didn't remember ordering, and asked if he wanted to start with an appetizer. Kaidan shook his head, but then changed his mind and ordered nachos. Shepard loved nachos, he remembered. He checked his watch. It was now three minutes past the time Shepard was supposed to meet him. He drummed his fingers against the table. Maybe there was an emergency that required her attention. He knew there were a dozen people she was meeting that day, maybe she got caught up with one of them and forgot about him.

The butterflies in his stomach turned into bats as five minutes turned into ten, then twenty, then thirty. Kaidan was about to tell the waiter just to bring him the bill when he saw her out of the corner of his eye. She was walking briskly towards the restaurant, wearing her usual shore leave outfit – a black N7 sweatshirt and black fatigues. Her sandy brown hair was pulled back into a messy bun on the top of her head. She hated her hair, he remembered, she always said if she could get away with it she'd shave it off. Kaidan smiled at her and waved her over.

"Sorry I'm late," she said as she sat across from him. Without hesitation, she reached for the plate of nachos and began munching on them.

"It's okay," Kaidan said. He handed her the menu and looked down nervously. "I only just got here myself. I'm surprised they can still get supplies for a menu like this."

Shepard exhaled sharply, "Maybe it's better if we don't ask how. Or where. What are you drinking?"

"Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

"More like Batarian shardwine," she said. The waiter wandered over to them and despite the nauseating nerves, Kaidan ordered himself a steak sandwich and the best sounding beer on the menu. Shepard copied his order and handed the waiter her menu. She returned to the plate of nachos. Kaidan watched with amusement as she scooped up as much toppings as one chip could possibly hold.

"I haven't had nachos since the last time you and I went to dinner on Earth," she said between mouthfuls. "They're practically a rare delicacy these days. Sometimes they skimp on the toppings."

Kaidan smiled at her, "I'm glad I could get you to sit down for half a second and do this with me. I could use a sanity check."

Shepard nodded, "things have been pretty crazy."

"You know, my life flashed before my eyes on Mars, and there weren't enough moments like this, with the people I care about." He paused briefly, "You and I, we – had some good times, didn't we?"

Shepard's eyes flicked up to meet his, her hand holding a chip laden with cheese halfway to her mouth. She looked a little lost for words. "Yes, we did," she said finally. She dropped the hand that was holding her chip and took a sip of water. "What's on your mind? How are you feeling these days?"

"Good," he lied, "I feel ready for whatever the Reapers throw at us. I feel confident, I feel good about our chances."

"Yeah?" Shepard asked, an air of disbelief behind her words.

"Yeah, it helps me sleep better at night."

"You're not sleeping, Kaidan?"

Kaidan shrugged, "maybe a little restless. But, the Reapers aren't the only thing keeping me up at night," he took a breath, "I wonder about us."

"Us?"

"Look, I understand why you cheated-"

"Do you?" she interrupted.

Kaidan hadn't been expected that. He looked at her, stunned. Shepard was staring directly at him, her green eyes locked on his face. "Do I - do I what?" he stammered.

"Do you understand why I cheated?"

"Shepard, I said some terrible things on Horizon -"

She shook her head, "It's not about that. Well, not completely." Shepard sighed heavily, "I died, Kaidan. Did you forget that?"

"What? Are you serious? How could I forget - how can you even ask me that?"

Shepard looked at him with narrowed eyes, "Well, you never once asked me if I was okay."

Kaidan stared at her, "That's not…yes, I did…"

Shepard shook her head, which caused a few strands of hair to fall into her eyes. She tucked her bangs behind her ear, annoyed. "No, you didn't. I died, and I ended up in a Cerberus lab for two years while they did god knows what to me. I woke up in a lab alone confused, I had no idea how much time had passed, had no idea what had happened to me, and you weren't there."

"That's not fair," Kaidan said, his voice a little sharper than he meant it to be. "How was I supposed to know what Cerberus was doing?"

"You couldn't have known, I know that, but I was still alone. All of the old crew were gone. I had nobody. Did you ever once think how that affected me?" Shepard paused, dropped her eyes, "I was terrified, Kaidan. I didn't know how I was supposed to just pick up where I left off and keep fighting."

"I thought about you every single day, I stressed over whether or not to contact you. I wanted to, I wanted to hear your voice so badly, but what was I supposed to say? How could I contact you after two years, not knowing what was going on in your life? How could I just force myself back into your life uninvited?" Her emerald green eyes met his, but she looked away quickly as she continued, "Then I saw you on Horizon and I felt - I don't know. I felt happy, relieved. There was a brief moment when you hugged me that I thought - I thought that we could just go back to normal, be us again. But you were so angry with me, and you made it painfully clear that you were done with me. Even in the message you sent me afterwards – you made it a point to tell me how you felt, and how you were dealing with things, but never once did you wonder how I felt. I had to pretend that I was okay, that you didn't hurt me. I had to put on this show for everyone, make them think I was in control, but I wasn't."

"Then we went into the Collector base, and where you then? I was alone, facing certain death. Again. So that's why I confided in Garrus, because I needed someone. Garrus made me feel confident and loved. He made me want to live again, Kaidan, because you weren't there."

Kaidan sat there after she finished speaking, his mind racing, trying to come up with a coherent response. What was he supposed to say to that? She was right, he realized. He had spent two years mourning Shepard's death, feeling angry and guilty. Then, after a brief moment of relief on Horizon, he spent months furious with her for being with Cerberus, feeling hurt and betrayed. On Mars, he let his anger get the best of him and compared her to a husk. In the hospital, she forgave him for everything, and again he doubted her during the Citadel attack. Still, after all that, all the terrible things he'd said, she welcomed him back onto the Normandy. And, Kaidan realized with a pang, he had never asked her how she was feeling. He lifted his eyes to her, trying to read her expression, but it was no use. Her eyes were lowered as she picked at pieces of her sandwich. "Shepard," he said finally, his voice barely more than a whisper, "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry."

"Thank you, but it's too late for that," she said.

"Too late for what?"

Shepard sighed, "Too late for apologies, Kaidan. It's been a long time since…us. A lot has happened. Everything is different now. We're both different."

"Well, yes. But I still want to be with you," he reached over and took one of her hands. Her skin was warm against his. "I still love you, I never stopped. I know everything has changed, but I want you. I want to hold you like I used to, and make everything okay for you. I am willing to try and work through whatever issues we have, and make it better this time," he sighed and looked directly into her eyes. "That's what I want. What do you want?"

Shepard pulled her hand away from his, and Kaidan practically felt his heart shatter. She shook her head, "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I can't. Everything is just too complicated."

"It doesn't have to be," Kaidan's voice cracked. "We can just be us. It can go back to the way it was before. When it's me and you, it doesn't have to be complicated. I love you, Shepard, and if you love me that's all I need to know."

Shepard stared at her hands, "are you going to make me say it?"

"Say what?"

Shepard didn't respond for several long, torturous seconds. He dug his fingernails in his hand as a distraction from what felt like his heart trying to escape from his ribs. Finally, Shepard sighed deeply and lifted her head. Her eyes were dry, but he could see the muscles in her throat constricting as she spoke, "I don't love you. You are always welcome aboard the Normandy, but we can't be together like that." She moved to stand, but Kaidan grabbed her arm.

"Shepard," emotion choked his voice back. He swallowed hard, and tried again. "Please, just -"

Shepard pulled away and stood up, "I'm sorry. Tell them to charge the meal to the Normandy." Kaidan watched, his eyes burning as she walked away and disappeared around the corner.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard walked briskly through the Citadel, making a beeline for the Normandy. A million thoughts running through her head, feeling a million emotions at once. Anger, resentment, guilt. Why did Kaidan have to say anything? Why couldn't he have just left it alone? Did he think they were just going to go back to the way it was? Was she supposed to just forget everything he'd said, everything that had happened? There was no way. She wasn't going to forgive and forget, bury everything and put a band aid on it. The elevator doors opened on Bay D24, and she was so deep in thought she that she didn't see James Vega standing in the hallway and walked straight into him. She rebounded slightly, shocked into reality.

James grabbed her arm to steady her, "whoa, Lola. In a hurry?"

"Sorry, Lieutenant. I just…I have a lot on my mind."

"Yeah, no kidding." He smiled warmly at her, but it faded quickly as he registered the look on her face, "You okay?"

Shepard opened her mouth, intending to tell him she was fine, that she was just tired. But the words caught in her throat. She clenched her jaw as her eyes watered dangerously. '_Don't do it_,' she told herself, '_there's no time for this_.' Despite her best efforts, a molten tear slid down her cheek. James looked alarmed by her uncharacteristic display of emotion. Then he put an arm around her shoulder and squeezed.

"Hey," he said quietly, "what is it?"

Shepard leaned her head against James' chest, allowing herself just a moment of weakness. The smell of aftershave and cologne filled her nose as her tears soaked into his shirt. James remained silent and rubbed her back lightly as she cried into his chest. After a minute she straightened up, took a deep, steadying breath and broke away from him. "Sorry, Lieutenant," she said as she wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand. "I just, uh, had a difficult conversation with someone."

"Major Alenko?"

She looked at him, surprised. How did he know? "What makes you say that?"

"Come on, now. There are no secrets on the Normandy. The Shepard, Garrus, Kaidan love triangle is the hottest topic on the ship right now."

Shepard laughed, "wow. Well, I guess there's no point in lying about it, then."

James smirked, "none at all." He turned and began walking towards the ship, and Shepard followed. "So, talk to me, Lola."

"Thanks, Lieutenant, but no thanks. Speculation is one thing, but I won't go spreading details about my love life to crew members."

They reached the door to the Normandy, and stood inside while the decontamination took place. "You know, everyone talks to you about everything. I'm sure you know more about the crew than you care to. You have your own shit going on, and I'm sure that it doesn't help to have everyone leaning on you constantly, whining about their problems."

"What's your point, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked with a sigh.

"Just that you carry the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders, and you should stop trying to take everything on yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, to lay all that shit on, even if it's just for one night, you know where to find me."


	3. Chapter 3

Garrus was sitting in the crew lounge, grudgingly writing a mission report that he had put off for a few days. That was the worst part about being part of an Alliance crew; they questioned everything. Every bullet, every decision, every sneeze had to be reported. Thankfully Shepard was a Spectre, so they weren't scrutinized as highly as others, but still, those mission reports were tedious. Truth be told, Garrus wasn't really concentrating on what he was doing, and he was sure he wasn't being as thorough as he should be. He was just trying to focus on something other than Shepard, who had been on his mind a lot lately. They hadn't had a real conversation since before the Cerberus attack on the Citadel, and now that Kaidan was back, she had been even more elusive, though Garrus was sure he knew why that was. He wasn't blind – he knew that Kaidan and Shepard had been involved three years ago.

Not that Shepard played favourites. In fact, it was the opposite. Whenever they were all together as a team she practically ignored Kaidan, and whenever she asked both of them to accompany her on a mission she always made sure it was all business. But the way Kaidan looked at her when he thought nobody was watching, and the way Shepard's face lifted when he walked into the room made him think there was something there. Garrus never told anyone, of course, everybody knew anyway.

Then the Normandy went down, and everything changed. The news of Shepard's death had left everyone dazed and confused. The crew had tried to keep in touch, but inevitably drifted apart. A heavy feeling formed in Garrus' stomach every time he thought about those two years. He didn't like to think about that time, about Omega and the team he'd assembled. _'I tried to be like Shepard,' _he thought bitterly, _'I tried to do what she would have done. Only Shepard wouldn't have gotten everyone killed.'_

Shepard's return had caused such a sense of relief in Garrus that, even at that time, he questioned whether or not his interest in her was purely about friendship. She asked him to join her, to help her stop the Collectors, and Garrus accepted without a second thought. Those months had been full of long, sleepless nights for both Garrus and Shepard. That was when they had really gotten to know each other, when she would come to the main battery in the middle of the night when she knew he would be awake. They would talk for hours about everything, good and bad. Shepard told him her honest opinions of the crew, the mission, and how scared she really was. Garrus had confided in her things that he swore he would take to the grave. One day, she came to him and asked him how turians prepared for dangerous missions, and Garrus told her about his sparring matches – and other things. Then Shepard had said one of the most unexpected things ever, and it had turned his whole life around. Garrus could recall perfectly everything she'd said, everything he felt at that moment.

"_We ended up holding a tie-breaking in her quarters. I had reach, but she had flexibility. More than one way to blow off stress, I guess." He didn't know why he had told her that._

_Shepard stands, takes a few steps towards him, "it sounds like you're carrying some tension, maybe I could help you get rid of it."_

"_I didn't think you'd feel like sparring, Commander," he said, confused._

"_What if we skip right to the tie-breaker? We could test your reach…and my flexibility." Her mouth curves into a half-smile._

_Garrus is shocked, unsure of what to say. "Oh! I didn't…huh…never knew you had a weakness for men with scars." It was the best he could come up with. "Well," he adds, pacing around the room a little, "why the hell not. There's nobody in this galaxy I respect more than you, and if we can figure out a way to make it work, then, yeah. Definitely."_

_She doesn't say anything, just gives him that devious smile as she walks out of the room._

The sound of the door swishing open jarred him from his thoughts, and for a moment Garrus forgot where he was. He looked around to see who had entered. It was Shepard, as if she'd just walked straight out of his memory and into the room. Garrus' throat felt dry. Without a word, Shepard walked straight over to the couch and sat next to him.

"Busy?" Shepard asked

"Uh, no, not really," Garrus said, placing his datapad on the table next to him, "can't sleep?"

"Can I ever sleep?"

Garrus recognized that as a rhetorical question, a strange part of human speech. He didn't know what to say, so he gestured to the bar, "care for a drink?"

Shepard smiled, "yes, please."

Garrus got up and strode the few paces to the bar, not speaking while he measured and poured her a rum and coke, her favourite drink. He poured himself a glass of turian brandy, and sat down next to her again. He handed her the glass and leaned back against the cushions. '_So, Shep, what's on your mind?' _he wanted to ask. But Garrus knew her too well to actually say it. Shepard would not be rushed. If she wanted to say something, she'd say it when she was good and ready. Garrus sipped his drink and watched her from the corner of his eye. The stress was starting to wear on her, he saw. Her eyes were dark and red-rimmed, and he wondered if she had been crying. He'd only seen Shepard cry twice in three years – once after Ashley had given her life on Ilos, and again after Horizon. The first time Kaidan had wrapped an arm around her shoulders and told her Ash would always be remembered for her bravery. The second time Kaidan had been the one making her cry, and Garrus found her in the cargo bay, her knees pulled into her chest and face hidden in her arms. Then, just like now, he had sat next to her silently until she was ready to talk.

Thankfully, this time the waiting was over much quicker. "How are you feeling?" she asked him.

That was one of those infuriating human questions. Turians don't talk about their feelings. But this was Shepard, so he answered honestly. "Worried," he said, "but I think we're progressing well. We're getting close, I can feel it."

Shepard nodded and took another sip of her drink, "me too." There was a brief pause, "I had lunch with Kaidan today."

"Is that so?" he said, in what he hoped was an uncaring tone.

"Yes," Shepard said, "he…he wants to get back together."

'_I know,'_ he thought. Aloud he said, "Yeah? How do you feel about that?"

Shepard stood up so suddenly that for half a second Garrus thought they were under attack. "Angry," she said, and began pacing. "I feel angry. What gives him the right to just…just come back and put me in that position? Am I supposed to just forget that he abandoned me? What was he thinking?"

'_Why is she telling me this?' _Garrus wondered. '_Am I supposed to get jealous, tell her she's mine?'_ Garrus didn't know how humans usually acted in these situations, so he took a long swig of his drink and said, "heh, I really don't know, Shep."

"I won't do it," Shepard said, turning to face him again, "I won't. He can say whatever he wants; apologize until he's blue in the face. I'm not going to let him hurt me like that again, no matter how much he says he loves me."

Garrus must have looked surprised or something, because Shepard stopped suddenly and sat down again. She took a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I didn't come here to complain about Kaidan."

Garrus responded by taking another swig of brandy.

"I came to talk about us," she said quietly.

Garrus turned his head towards her slowly, "what about us?"

"Are we still…us?"

"I don't know," Garrus said, and before Shepard could speak, added, "I don't see how we could be. Since you recruited me on Palaven you've hardly spoken to me outside of missions, and since Kaidan got back it's been even worse. If you're ever out of your cabin, you're buried in some mountain of paperwork. Liara or Tali pass along your messages. I have more of a relationship with Joker than I do with you."

Shepard was quiet for a moment. Garrus could see her eyes searching his face, trying to read him. He knew that humans showed a lot of emotion through their facial expressions, and right now Shepard's was showing a lot of hurt and anger. "I'm sorry," he said, "that came out a lot harsher than I meant it."

Shepard shook her head, "no, you're right. I guess I have been avoiding you. Please understand that I didn't mean to. Everything has just been so crazy, I'm trying to do everything I can, and I don't know if it's good enough. I don't know if I'm good enough." She dropped her head into her hands. Garrus reached out and put a hand on her back in what he hoped was a gesture of understanding and comfort.

"I miss you," Shepard said, "I never meant to push you away."

"Listen," Garrus said as he leaned forward to her, "I know the status. I know how bad things are. You don't have time for petty jealousy and egos. But you should know that I," he paused, "I care about you. I have been with you since the very beginning, and will be with you until the very end, no matter what happens."

Shepard lifted her head and gave him a smile, "I care about you, too. I can't tell you how much it means to have you around."

Garrus moved towards her and pressed his mouth to hers lightly. She responded immediately, closing her eyes as she leaned into him. Kissing wasn't something turians generally did, so Garrus still found it a little awkward. Still, he wrapped his arms around Shepard's waist and pulled her closer. After a moment, Shepard pulled away from him. Her eyes met his, and she raised one hand to gently caress the scarred side of his face. Garrus closed his eyes and leaned into her touch.

"You should stay with me tonight," Shepard whispered, her face only millimetres from his.

Garrus opened his eyes, "are you sure?"

Shepard smirked at him, "yes."

When Garrus woke up, it took him a few seconds to remember where he was. The bed was too soft, and the room was too quiet. He was accustomed to the loud drone of the engines and guns. Slowly he became aware of another body next to him, and realized with sudden clarity that it was Shepard. Garrus grinned slightly and turned onto his side to face her. She was still asleep and looked very beautiful with her hair loose around her face. Garrus stroked her cheek lightly, enjoying the peace of the moment.

Shepard stirred at his touch, and let out a low groan. "What time is it?" she asked sleepily.

"Don't worry," Garrus said as he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close, "Just go back to sleep."

Shepard returned the embrace and nestled her head under his chin. The sweet smell of her shampoo filled his nose, and Garrus felt more at peace than he had in a long time. Shepard was quiet for a while, and Garrus thought she had fallen back asleep, but then she opened her eyes and looked up at him.

"I forgot how much I liked waking up with you next to me," she said.

"I didn't," he said.

Shepard smiled shyly and covered her face with her hands, "I must look terrible."

"That's not possible," Garrus said.

Shepard took her hands away from her face and kissed him quickly before standing up. Garrus' eyes travelled over her body, enjoying the way her shirt accentuated her curves. He watched her get dressed and begin applying her 'makeup', another human behaviour he just didn't understand.

"There," Shepard said when she was done, "much better, right?"

Garrus finally got up from the bed and donned his armor. "I don't see a difference," he said honestly. Then seeing the look on Shepard's face, added, "I mean you always look good…you're…you don't need that stuff."

Shepard laughed then tossed him his visor that had been discarded onto the floor, "well, thanks, I guess." She looked down at her hands for a second, and back up at him, "So, does this make us official?"

Garrus took a breath, unsure of how he wanted to answer. Of course he wanted to be with her, but was that really the best thing for her right now? There was so much going on, and he didn't want to be another burden in her life. "I think we should just keep it quiet for now," he said, "you know how I feel. Let's just do whatever is natural…uhm…I mean as natural as a turian-human couple can be."

"I agree," Shepard said, and took a few steps towards him. "And Garrus," she gave him a devious smile and squeezed one of his hands between hers, "those new moves…I approve."


End file.
